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September 2nd, 2004
09:16 pm - Jesus, I need a favor
I feel so bad for Sam. I love and care about her, but not like she wants me to, and it hurts to watch her hurt like I did. The voice she had last night had no hope in it, I was scared she was going to kill herself. She told me she was going to get back with Joe, though didn't sound like she was happy about it. She's just scared of being alone for the rest of her life.
But ya know, I'm hopeful for her. Shes been through hell through most of her life, and has hurt just as much, if not more than, me for mistakes she has made. I hope she can get over me and be happy with the rest of her life, while we still stay friends. Time heals all wounds, right?
Please lord, oh mighty lord, help her. People don't deserve to feel this bad for long periods of time. Please, I never ask for many favors, and I do not deny your exsistance, I just choose to have a different relationship than others. I forgave her for what she did to me, just do me this and I'll have new respect for you. Please.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/pengies/blank.gif) sympathetic
Current Music: Red Hot Chilly Peppers - This Velvet Glove
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August 30th, 2004
07:36 pm - Digging up Old feelings
What do you do when a girl you dated whom had sex with some one else and broke your heart, played mind games with you causing you to be put on medication and see a shrink, asks if you would ever want to get back with her?
Oh well I said I would yell at her and let her have, but when you see the sad look in her eyes and miserable little self, you remember how much you loved them, and give them a "maybe some other time"
I sense this is a very very stupid stupid mistake.
But I also am getting my vengence telling her i have a crush on her best friend. So now if that crush becomes something more, she can twist and turn begging it doesn't work regreting she every broke up with me.
And if it doesn't, it's nice to know she still gives a damn
I feel deliciously evil right now...
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/pengies/devious.gif) devious
Current Music: This Devil's Workday - Modest Mouse
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August 13th, 2004
12:08 am - :Clunk: I'm stupid i deserve another :smack:
Ok so today started out pretty good, I took my driver's test, passed, got my license and everything.
Then the shit hit the fan when my mother told me my brother had talked to her. From then I was upset. Basically, He told her everything I had done and all about my depression ect. She took it well. Later I clarified everything, and that some of the things he said were wrong (when they weren't) just because i was drunk at the time. I learned more interesting things about my mom, how she went through depression like me, took pills and pot and some things i didn't do. Passed out at work it was so bad. I cleared that up and kept people other than myself out of it.
Then I get a call from Sam and people to go hang out. I thought maybe i should go just to get out and forget about the problems at home.
Well it worked, kinda. It wasn't bad until everyone was bitching about going somewhere, and so i said the mall, we went, i got some cofee, then we left. Then we went to my friends house, where it really sucked. Spent an hour listening to them bitch about who was staying where. Then Had to wait for my friend to drive them all home then come back and pick me up.
Then I talked to my dad about what I told my mom and now everything is on the table (well, everything that involves me, Josh and Sam are clear of guilt) I feel very tired, but i've had so much caffiene I'm going ot post this and then watch some funny movies.
I'm suppose to go see a doctor about Anti-depressents. I think I may be bi-polar, and I am going to start seeing a shrink, if I think hes worth the time. I know sometimes they can really help, others they're just a waste.
Good nigth everyone!
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August 12th, 2004
12:58 am - Old Journal Entries
So before I lay myself down to sleep I thought I would take a look at last summer. Quite depressing really, I was a much better person then. Things this summer have lost their innocence, and I'm still not over it.
Tis here for my future self I'd like to remind you what you have done this summer (and those interested that have been able to find this journal other than online friends)
0: Sam's grandma calls you, asking why me and Sam broke up when she was just shitfaced and wouldn't explain it to me..
1: Sam left you for some one else no matter what other bullshit reason she gave you; she left because of Joe
2: Sam states she is still in love with you but also falling in love with Joe
3: Sam fucked Joe, and you lost it and hit her and strangled her, and ayep. Also called Renee this night completely drunk.
4: Lost it, slashed your arm, cried to Sam for help.
5: Drank a bottle of cough syrup had a nice trip
6: Took Sam up on her offer of leaving Joe to make me happy ;did not work
7: overdosed on Painkillers, about 30 or so of random pills
8: Started smoking; about a week later, drinking
9: Asked stupid questions, found out Joe was better than you
10: slowly stopped talking to Sam, returned eachothers stuff.
11: Heard that she fucked him multple times, first time WHILE we were going out.
12: Before talking to her sober, I got completely shitfaced, threatened to kill her and Joe and her friends that very night; scared her for a day; apologized the next day.
That's my summer summary. I'd like to see my teachers' faces when they asked what i did this summer.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/pengies/sad.gif) depressed
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August 11th, 2004
11:49 pm - What gives?
You expect a person to call you when they say they are going to call you....
I can't tell if she's lying to me or not anymore.
It's hard to imagine how much of myself I've lost to one person, which isn't entirely lost.
But I'll be damned if she hasn't made me more pissed off and depressed at the same time.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/pengies/livid.gif) pissed off
Current Music: Spawn Soundtrack
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August 10th, 2004
09:34 pm - Eating disorder or Munchies relapse?
Ok so today i've done nothing really except eat eat and eat. I've never eaten this much before unless i was stoned. Now granted i did smoke a little resedue, but i didn't feel that much. Also, maybe I need to eat this much to help me gain weight so I don't look like a holocost survivor.
Or maybe the pot is exiting my system and the munchies are creeping up on me. I've gotten stoned before after 2-3 days with no smoking to get me there, so maybe that's what it is.
Could also be a way to cure bordem.
Either way I have a craving for KFC Honey BBQ...mmm
P.S.
Oh god I hope I'm not pregnant :Looks at belly:
P.P.S.
I'll be watching tv all night so don't expect to see me much
Px3.S.
I own the chat this night! :evil laugh:
Oh god im so loney and bored.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/pengies/sob.gif) lonely
Current Music: Adrian Bond - Bandwidth
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August 9th, 2004
08:35 pm - Those were some strong pills
Dig this peoples
Last night I took 3 of my mother's people, thinking them to be anti-depressents and was kinda bored.
However, i was wrong. Turns out they were perscription sleeping pills. I went to bed at 11, woke up at 12, fell asleep in the parking lot at 1:30, woke up at 3:00, got home at 3:30, fell asleep again at 4:20 and woke up at 6:30
I had drank 2 red bulls and a cup of coffee throughout the day
And I'm still fucking tired...damn those were strong sleeping pills.
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August 8th, 2004
04:09 pm - Yeah...
This is the second live journal I've had. Really only took it because I wanted to be apart of my friends' community. Rock on!
Current Mood: dirty
Current Music: Modest Mouse - Float On
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a_lit_match's journal